well nobody ever said that one of the first things to go when you have a job is your blog either but it seems to be the case. and like going to movies in the theater, i miss it: reading others, writing my own. but time drastically changed for me over the past year and i found myself seriously incapable of any kind of reflection, serious or playful. and so now that my semester has been over for a few weeks i thought i might try to reflect on the rookie-year in academia.
so here it goes.
as an adjunct and to a lesser degree, a graduate student, one of the worst features is feeling utterly voiceless. the bulk of the labor in the academy as we all know is done by those who have absolutely no ability to influence decision making on any level. this disenfranchisement fosters so much resentment that the adjunct/graduate student becomes so easily dismissed. i point out the obvious here as a backdrop to one of the more significant changes to my job: service. now, i thought i understood "service" as that stuff you do because you have to but pretty much nothing gets done because of too many cooks in the kitchen. i was surprised to discover a few things: first, service really does suck up a lot of time and is important not only for the well-being of the department but for your tenure-file; second, despite way too long meetings and circling discussions, posturing and passive-aggressive performances, lots of things really do get done that matter; and third, that for new Assistant Professors, thinking about such things takes up way more mental space than anticipated. so, having some voice: the good part; voice required: the bad part. it may seem petty but for me the time it took, real-time and brain-time, was a shocker.
in short: meetings. is this the primary distinction between part-time and full-time labor? god, i hope not.
i thought that after years of getting paid nothing and teaching too much, while finishing my dissertation and getting articles out, that "the job" would in fact be a breeze. things like not getting yelled at by the crazy-printer-control-man over the worksheet you needed for class (you know, because you have no access to a copier), no longer working in borrowed-shared space (you know, because you have no office or private space), and not being sneered at by a variety of people who either know who you are and are offended or don't know who you are and are offended--that these regular features of my adjunct-life would no longer exist i assumed would open up time and mental energy. the copy code alone would save me oodles of time!
and it is true, all of these things are good: i have an office which i actually get tons of my own research and writing accomplished in; i have a copy code i can avoid screamer-man and the general hostility of those people who loathe the part-time users of machinery (you know who you are!); and people generally say hi warmly now, i had many people introduce themselves and welcome me, and even those who did neither, they ignored me democratically, as they ignore all others they see in their day.
but there is something about the tenure-clock the makes time tick in a different way. being acutely aware of the time it takes to write an article, for example, send it out, get it read, edit/proofed, published, in print, multiplied by the number of articles you want (and need) to have a strong file, this occupies mental space and increases anxiety in ways i hadn't anticipated. like kids, it is relentless. then there is the fellowship applications--time consuming and nerve-wracking--one must do, especially in the Humanities where money is negligible, even though the chances of getting these fellowships are slim. not only do you want these for your file, of course, they look pretty, but the biggest anxiety on the tenure-clock of them all: the book. suddenly the years marked by time needed to complete the book, get a contract, and have it in print *by* tenure seem compressed into wee little blocks, like the days of any given week.
for those of you way beyond the rookie stage, this litany of anxieties is old hat. it makes for boring narrative. & this is what makes reflection and wit so scarce for the rookie prof: the stakes are high and time is limited. and this is new.
and then there is teaching: even this has changed for me. i guess because having a long-term investment in a career, if not a specific institution, alters the way you think about your classes and your students. and students seem to see me differently. they spend more time in my office (is this because i have an office now?), they want more, it seems. and graduate students, an entirely different level of time, investment, and care. mentoring and teaching graduate students is one of my favorite parts of being a professor, rookie that i am, though it too takes tons of time and careful preparation. and lots of talking. i talk a lot more than i used to, it feels like. maybe between the talking and the increased writing of fellowships and articles i have run out of words for other things.
personally, i have found balancing work and my kids far more stressful than i expected. i mean, i've been "working" forever, just without pay, and i've had kids since i began graduate school (well, one then), so i didn't expect it to be much different. wrong again.
despite all of these stresses and changes i have never been happier. there is a joy in doing the work i love without a sense of complete helplessness and hopelessness. there is a joy in the regularity of my days, as packed as they are, the rituals of the week punctuated by deadlines and grading and so many students and meetings. since school ended, i've been very quiet, gardening and playing with my kids. i've done no work. not a lick. for a few days this transition made me pace a lot and wonder what i wasn't doing that i should be. and now i feel okay in the stillness and grateful to have a few weeks of it.
as anyone who has read this blog before knows, i am lucky. i am one of the very lucky ones. i was lucky enough too to get a fellowship this summer and so i get to relocate to academic camp and get money to research for a few months, which is a gift. it is a nice end to a very difficult year of professional changes and personal and intellectual growth.
growing as always hurts. but i'm lucky, i get to.
wee one is home with the flu, he slept with a high fever for nearly 24 hours straight, kind of freaky. so i have to stop and there is so much more to talk about, like working in the same department as mr. whore, for instance. these growing pains have been intense. in all, i am happy to have my rookie year behind me because it *is* mind-blowing. don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
