oh so lazy

i really regret to inform you that i've hit the lazy lull....oh so lovely, lazy, summer space. something i've actually never experienced. the truth is this: on the one hand, i'm relishing this time, strange, personal time, personal time without angst of marriage, occupation, children. for example: i am now on (wait, i must check) day 41 without smokes. and, i might add, at least a few of these days have been spent with friends i previously smoked with, up late talking and drinking, and still, i do not smoke. promising.

i'm actually a bit confused and i guess therein lies the angst of this summer time. confused because i just finished an article and i'm reading but not intensely. like not seriously difficult theoretical material that demands my every fiber. some of it is really enjoyable (like anna karenina, which i'm teaching in the fall but haven't read in some time now) and some of it is re-reading work i should know inside and out for my sub-field but don't because i immersed myself in my diss work for so long.

then there is the angst of starting this thing called a job. i know the teeny tiny violins will come out. but like all transitions, this one feels uncomfortable. for one thing, i don't know how to work in an office. i'm used to working in my messy bedroom in my bed clothes, without showering, and when i need to think or am stuck, walking around my house (i used to go outside for a smoke) or cleaning my kitchen or something else mundane. now i sit in this space i am grateful to be given and look around. i listen to all of the new noises and smell the newly painted rooms, and sometimes pace the hallway just to remind myself of where i am. today is the first day that i was able to read, seriously read. and this was, i think, the fourth time i've spent in this space.

lazy? confused? angsty? who cares i suppose. but this is my summer. lovely and slow on the one hand but confused and still anxious on the other. only less so. but because i'm able to relax for the first time in a few years and because there are some legitimate reasons to feel worry (new job, being a PARTNER), i only feel grey.

being a partner: sucks. it will always feel illegitimate. it will always feel subordinate. it will always feel bifurcated. PARTNER. my body screams in hallways. i try to ignore it. i try to listen to mr. whore who says all the things a good partner should: this couldn't happen if you didn't do the work, now you need to believe that and move forward. whatever. we're trained to not believe anything, it is part of our critical nature, no? especially something like self-worth.

i feel like an alien. and i know that i will for a long time. the only way it will ever change is if we leave this institution or when my book comes out it is critically revered. i don't have high hopes for either of these.

and i confess, it hurts just a wee bit to know that this will always shadow me even while i know it also helped me.

woe to the academic.

new title anyone? i'm soliciting opinions. i'm looking for something snarky, of course.