1) today, finally, i got on to blog because, as you'll find out shortly, i had something to blog about and lo, my blog is gone. very strange, surreal, kind of thing--it was like having a bit of my identity shredded only to be replaced by a site that featured a pretty blond college girl and seemed to offer services like writing papers. ironic? i was sad, i even panicked, i wrote to a few of you asking for help.....as it turns out, my domain reserve ran out and i only needed to take care of that. but it took a few hours and i mourned the loss of this space, which reminded me to come back!
2) i didn't go into work today because i knew i was going to find out the results of a biopsy that i had last week and i've been utterly paralyzed by fear. last weekend i was so scared i could barely speak--i've never seriously contemplated cancer before and you know what? it was awful. i couldn't bear finding out bad news at work so i stayed home and thought i would work but of course couldn't concentrate at all so i watched an episode of Sopranos, which is my new addiction (i never saw it while it was on--i just finished the second season). that last episode of the 2nd season is absolutely traumatizing and i probably shouldn't have been watching it. it is also incredibly brilliant--would work perfectly as an example of Freud's dream-work. but god, left me feeling even less okay. i tried to sleep and dreamt of severed heads strewn across a highway, my kids and i walking by them, surviving a massive pile up by some dream miracle, only to walk through piles of bloody semi-living people. horrifying.
i finally was called at 2: there are no cancer cells in me. nothing bad, she said. i still don't know what it is but it isn't cancer and after holding my body motionless for two weeks i finally can breathe.
3) the first two weeks of work were so taxing i was surprised by it. despite knowing the institution, despite being a teacher already for over a decade, despite enjoying my scholarship and now having license to do more of it, the administrative parts really enveloped my energy. meetings, meetings, meetings, these are things i've been blissfully spared from for years. having a full-blown academic identity is strange and new and thus occupies more head/body space than i'm accustomed to. on the most wonderful of notes: i've never ever been told i had to be alone and do good work before. i've never been given the chance to do so. i always wrote in my bedroom amidst my kid stuff and made do. getting up everyday to go to my own space to think and read and write feels like a fantasy right now and i'm working my ass off in attempt to convince myself that i have a right to such joy.
4) my classes are wonderful, extremely bright students, my position makes me far more confident, and my upper level course is filled with repeat students who i know well enough to push. it is, so far, the most rewarding teaching i've been able to do and i'm loving it.
now, i'm off to put kids to bed and relax a bit with mr. whore. but i will be back. just wanted to
share that i'm still alive and so far will remain so. i have much blog reading to catch up on.
13 comments:
i'm so glad that you're okay!! whew!! what a relief! i'm so happy to hear this.
Welcome back, and I'm so glad the biopsy was clear. Many cancers are treatable, but the best is a chronic illness that takes much time and energy.
And do enjoy your own office in which to work . . .
I'm glad your back. It's also wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for sharing.
landed here from crazy's blog and your mention of sopranos compelled me to de-lurk. i got so obsessed with the series that i actually wrote a paper on the kevin finnerty episodes and presented it at the sopranos conference in nyc this year! it was great to be among fellow sopranos maniacs. it is absolutely a briliant show.
have a great semester--you have inspired me to remember to love my job today.
Oh god, I'm so glad you're okay!!! It's so terrifying to stare down your own mortality like that. Hugs to you.
I'm glad the biopsy result was good news. I've been in a similar situation a few times, and even knowing it's unlikely (as I did in my case), it is terrifying. Now, hopefully they can figure out what *is* going on.
I'll add my voice to the chorus and say how glad I am that you're okay!!
Coming to this late, but add my congrats to everybody else's! And yay that you un-hijacked the blog!
Just wanted to say I'm really glad the biopsy came back negative...
Yay to the good biopsy results; amazing how a Thing can hijack your life. Yay! to wrestling back your blog and most of all YAY to AW coming back!!
Congratulations on surviving your health scare. However, have you thought of changing your pseudonym? You are no longer a member of the underclass...and really, you never were, since you defended so recently.
thanks anon for the kind wishes--i've been thinking of changing the name for a long time. i of course do not wish to be disingenuous, but you are wrong: i taught for years (4 to be exact) as adjunct labor. you can be an adjunct and ABD. it is the pay, lack of resources and voice, benefits, and demoralizing position that makes one an adjunct.
i am lucky. extremely. maybe because of this luck i feel solidarity with and investment in adjunct labor.
in any case, i appreciate your point and continue to think about what i should be next. thanks.
Yes, you're right. I should have been a lot clearer. Of course ABDs do adjunct work all the time. What I meant is that it doesn't mark them as "damaged goods" the way it does someone who has finished. Once you get The Job, who cares what you did to support yourself in graduate school? All that teaching can slow people down and keep them from finishing, but that's another matter.
I didn't make the rules, the tenured folks did!
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