Wednesday, July 30, 2008

huh? you're kiddin me, right?


the lovely khora nominated me for this utterly fabulous shiny award but i have to say i am stunned. a dumber, less articulate blogging spell i have yet to have performed. so much so that i've thought of closing her down, as it were. but out of the woodwork comes this nifty thing and all of the other brillante bloggers i've been reading for over a year now and i pause: well hell, i don't want to leave this party yet, i say. you're all too cool, funny, and smart. so thanks to you, khora, for reminding me of what i like about this space. you've inspired me to attempt, ahem, brilliance.

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

oso raro, center of gravitas, brazen hussy, arbritrista, medieval woman, seeking solace, ortho

Monday, July 28, 2008

older

so yesterday was my birthday and i'm officially older now.  it was, actually, really lovely: i got to sleep in, mr. whore made me a decadent breakfast, we took the kids to the beach and swam half the day, we came home and bbq'd eating food way off any diet, then i read trashy magazines half the night.  seriously, fun, shit.

so despite being older, i have no complaints.  the weekend was festive, spent with friends and family, and too much wine.

i'm sad to bid farewell to my dear lil'rumpus, who has decided to fold up shop and embrace other channels of expression far dearer to her heart.  we love you and will miss you lil'r!

i'm doing some major overhauling in my house, at least in my head, and am eager to see it in the flesh, so to speak.  though less eager to actually, physically, do it.  a funny problem.  i am much more enjoying working in the garden, preparing more beds to plant, admiring the fact that i haven't yet killed the plants i've nurtured.  i'm hoping that i've rounded that turn (i used to kill everything).  

my kids came back from their visit with their dad this weekend--i hate it when they're gone and so have felt immensely better--but something new has emerged: art boy has become angry at me.  this has never happened yet and is really awful and sad to watch (and receive).  mr. whore and i have always known that he would experience the loss differently and later since he was so young when his dad and i split up, but knowing this doesn't emotionally prepare you for it when it arrives.  i hate seeing him in such pain and confusion.  ARGH.

my summer course is winding down, which is nice, and we drive to nyc immediately following to visit family and get a general dose of urban life again.  i can't wait to bring the kids around the city; i'm less excited about driving with them across the country.  i'm considering drugging them and driving at night (note: for those parents who are logging on to this blog for the first time, this is a joke: please no hostile notes of self-righteous parent advice).

speaking of self-righteousness: how can the Times becomes so obnoxious???  i mean seriously, why not just print this now and announce on the front cover "this only for park slope, upper west side, fort green, sometimes williamsburg, mmmm, that is it!"--i find it really alarming to read the narrow lifestyle stories with no sense of irony or embarrassment that most people don't live like this.  

i'm getting nervous about starting my grown up job.  for real.  

Monday, July 21, 2008

rboc: wtf??

* every summer, financial despair destroys us.  it seems like it gets slightly less horrific each year, but really, it is just a different flavor.  for example, this year, i had some unexpected tax thingy creep up on me from when i was consulting/grant writing and i SWEAR TO GOD they want more money than i even made; we need new front breaks on our car; we need to pay people to remove trees--this one in particular, what the fuck?  we have to spend money to get rid of something we pay no attention to?  fucking hell.  i miss renting and calling the super; then there is the child care tuition for the wee one which is painful and three times a year, because of course, you pay less money than if you paid monthly.  then there are the normal bills which now include sassy girl's contact lenses.  every summer.  we feel pain, fear, anxiety, shame.  when will it end??

*i'm teaching which is actually quite fun and i have 7 students.  i can't believe they didn't cancel the class but i guess they need to accommodate night students.  still, 2+ hours in the classroom wears on you;

*wee one is now a wee terror and i get to spend every day with him.  last week, he had the stomach flu and as i've talked about before, this is never a small deal; in addition, he is obsessed with mr. whore which is, frankly, tiring--"no i want daddy"--whatever man, he isn't here; and he won't get out of our bed at night.  so we're doing some awful kind of sleep training which really is up there with paying for tree whacking--unsexy and downright sucky;

*i'm trying to lose weight, i mean actively, which is great, i suppose, that i've recognized the need for serious action but again, not fun or sexy;

*i'm on day 61 of not smoking.  i feel pretty good.  except for days like today when i'm pissed and dread everything;

*i turn 38 on sunday, july 27th.  i'm fucking old.

*i got bangs.  i'm still wondering how i feel about them.

i guess that is it, not very shiny and happy, but summer....

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

portfolios for graduate student training: a real solution?

a recent article in the chronicle has highlighted a new system for graduate students to avoid the "bottle neck" of qualifying exams on the long road to a degree. at University of Kansas, and a handful of other institutions, humanities departments are moving to a "portfolio" system in place of the exam--what they call a two-year long take home exam. it isn't entirely clear to me what is in the portfolio but this is not the focus of my attention here.

one reason given to move from what is described as an outdated model of evaluation to a portfolio system (and anyone who has taught in the Elbow/Belanoff model of writing programs will be keenly aware of all that this entails) is to help graduate students start to "focus" and "specialize" earlier, to help prepare them for the dissertation. rather than getting bogged down in years of reading, a well-managed plan and a "three ring binder" should guide students into specialization and shorter time to completion. the goal here is to shorten the 9-10 year average to complete the humanities ph.d. nothing in my own graduate training, however, nor in the slew of articles i've read over the years, suggests to me that what we lack is focus and specialty. indeed, we've become so focused, professionalized (another point i'll address in a minute), and specialized that we've come to speak, many of us, almost different languages. far more disconcerting is the lack of breadth so much graduate training forces upon students now: panicked at the outset about original ideas, provocative dissertation topics, published articles, and marketability, graduate students are funneled through the professional--and necessarily narrow--channel of their discipline quite early already. there are nowhere near enough students interested in the arcane knowledge we have to meet the general education and liberal arts requirements of most higher institutions.

the implication of this piece, too, is that that problem is lengthy degree times; the solution is to collapse the requirements for graduate students. those crazy grad students seem to want to keep reading--"there is always more you can read"--and this is creating a problem. in short: it's the graduate student's fault, stupid. it seems like the latest bizarre smoke and mirrors to avoid addressing the most obvious and pressing problem of graduate training: the poverty wages and high teaching load while trying to, god forbid, READ, research, and write. maybe, just maybe, the lengthy term to degree completion has to do with making 10k a year, teaching two courses a year, while carrying full graduate coursework, trying to publish articles, learning to go to conferences, be a part of a department, maybe even share a beer and a heated discussion with comrades at the local hole. and this, of course, only scratches the surface of what many graduate students face as competing concerns. turning the qualifying exam into a portfolio is a nifty trick--how might it actually help students become scholars, teachers, academics without destroying them in the process, much less taking 10 years?

professionalization: the article suggests that the portfolio system gives students more faculty attention and that this helps them learn what will be expected of them and what the academy is really like. huh? i don't know about you, but my experience in the academy (and i took 9 years to complete my degree) doesn't suggest to me that more attention reflects the reality of professional experience. if anything, that would serve to confuse students who may then expect more detailed help navigating the long-haul than they are likely to receive. not because faculty don't want to (though some may not) but because they too are caught between professional forces and demands on their ever-diminishing time. as i write i feel utter sympathy and affection for my own committee--who i've known for many years now--and who gave me as much time as they could given their own professional and personal lives.

i guess by now it is clear that i find this piece profoundly disturbing. perhaps i'm missing the point?

addendum: my comments here are not meant to detract from the possibility that revision to qualifying exams is needed.  i've been struck, in fact, by the range of "exams" that exist out there in academic land.

Monday, July 7, 2008

evidently it can be worse

in my ongoing effort to keep labor issues in the academy on the table for discussion over here at adjunct whore's place, i encourage you to read this, yet another sleuth-like edition from mr. bousquet. this piece in particular struck me because the conditions of graduate students--while housed under the oxymoronic "right to work" structure--are not at all unlike my own.

i give you a short list:

while a graduate student, i had a family ( i came to grad school with one)--i would not have survived without my partner's income;

in addition, i took out several loans, without which i also would not have survived;

in addition, i taught extra courses (my "tuition waiver" required that i teach a 1:1; i always taught a 2:2 and one year a 3:3);

it took me nine years to finish, mostly because of financial constraints which required me to work over and beyond (by a lot) my research/dissertation/degree.

of course, the complaints of graduate students are well known--i found the comment of one such student ("as long as i'm not lied to" very amusing)--and in comparison, at least i could boast excellent health care benefits.

what will it take for those who have any power to provide a living wage to those teachers who carry the bulk of undergraduate general education courses at public institutions?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

oh so lazy

i really regret to inform you that i've hit the lazy lull....oh so lovely, lazy, summer space. something i've actually never experienced. the truth is this: on the one hand, i'm relishing this time, strange, personal time, personal time without angst of marriage, occupation, children. for example: i am now on (wait, i must check) day 41 without smokes. and, i might add, at least a few of these days have been spent with friends i previously smoked with, up late talking and drinking, and still, i do not smoke. promising.

i'm actually a bit confused and i guess therein lies the angst of this summer time. confused because i just finished an article and i'm reading but not intensely. like not seriously difficult theoretical material that demands my every fiber. some of it is really enjoyable (like anna karenina, which i'm teaching in the fall but haven't read in some time now) and some of it is re-reading work i should know inside and out for my sub-field but don't because i immersed myself in my diss work for so long.

then there is the angst of starting this thing called a job. i know the teeny tiny violins will come out. but like all transitions, this one feels uncomfortable. for one thing, i don't know how to work in an office. i'm used to working in my messy bedroom in my bed clothes, without showering, and when i need to think or am stuck, walking around my house (i used to go outside for a smoke) or cleaning my kitchen or something else mundane. now i sit in this space i am grateful to be given and look around. i listen to all of the new noises and smell the newly painted rooms, and sometimes pace the hallway just to remind myself of where i am. today is the first day that i was able to read, seriously read. and this was, i think, the fourth time i've spent in this space.

lazy? confused? angsty? who cares i suppose. but this is my summer. lovely and slow on the one hand but confused and still anxious on the other. only less so. but because i'm able to relax for the first time in a few years and because there are some legitimate reasons to feel worry (new job, being a PARTNER), i only feel grey.

being a partner: sucks. it will always feel illegitimate. it will always feel subordinate. it will always feel bifurcated. PARTNER. my body screams in hallways. i try to ignore it. i try to listen to mr. whore who says all the things a good partner should: this couldn't happen if you didn't do the work, now you need to believe that and move forward. whatever. we're trained to not believe anything, it is part of our critical nature, no? especially something like self-worth.

i feel like an alien. and i know that i will for a long time. the only way it will ever change is if we leave this institution or when my book comes out it is critically revered. i don't have high hopes for either of these.

and i confess, it hurts just a wee bit to know that this will always shadow me even while i know it also helped me.

woe to the academic.

new title anyone? i'm soliciting opinions. i'm looking for something snarky, of course.